Mixing it up...

Nothing starts conflict like the phrase "company's comin'--especially if the company hasn't been there in awhile and is...f.a.m.i.l.y.

Someone is bound to be highly concerned about appearances.  You want to put your best foot forward for company, especially if they haven't been around for awhile.  On the other hand, someone is always making the argument that its family for pete's sake...they don't have to be entertained!

The wrestling match ensues.  Who will win?  (As an aside, the winner will be the mom if it is a family...FYI)

In the healthiest of systems, everyone wins.  The tussle provides for clarity and compromise.  Everyone gives a little and you provide warm hospitality without going overboard or losing sight of what is important...or killing yourself or others.

The other thing about healthy conflict is it deepens relationships.  I grew up in a family where fighting was not allowed.  Period.  End. Of. Story.  We either had to stop fighting immediately, or we were separated from each other.  We didn't fight much.  But my sisters and I aren't very close.  We don't know much about each other and we don't know how to find out.  So, mostly, we separate.

David Brooks wrote a column this week about a wave of research that challenges us to rethink "who we are."
This growing, dispersed body of research reminds us of a few key insights. First, the unconscious parts of the mind are most of the mind, where many of the most impressive feats of thinking take place. Second, emotion is not opposed to reason; our emotions assign value to things and are the basis of reason. Finally, we are not individuals who form relationships. We are social animals, deeply interpenetrated with one another, who emerge out of relationships.


Conflict can be a gift, whether it is conflict with each other or conflict with God.  But, I think, we are called to enter that conflict as "social animals, deeply interpenetrated with one another...emerg[ing] out of relationships."  Starting from an assumption of connection instead of individuality requires us more insistently to honor each other, listen carefully and respectfully, and be willing to give as well as take.  Believe it or not, in any church, someone is always in conflict.  The funny thing is that people on both extremes on any issues are in exactly the same place.  My way is the only way.  End. Of. Story.  We pretend that the separation that then occurs is OK, because we can be our individual selves in the "right."

Ash Wednesday is upon us again.  If we are honest, Ash Wednesday calls us to the only place we are all the same.  Death.  No matter what side of an issue we are on, we will die.  So today, we are invited to enter a time of struggle, recognizing our weaknesses, embracing our mortality.  We are invited to refuse to separate from God and from each other.  That is the "give" of the season.  Give it up.  We are fundamentally pretty powerless...and when we think we aren't, we are delusional.  The "take" of the season is that "in life and in death, we belong to God."  Our mortal, powerless selves belong to a Creator, Redeemer, Sustainer who loves us and cares for us...who will never leave us.

For our God, it is not about appearances.  It is not about family.  It is about grace...Whew!